120

i loveeeeeeee today. even past all the bullshit that's happened, it's a great day. eva's gotta get out of class soon and then we're going to see the new Nightmare On Elm Street and have dinner. it's gunna be lonely here on campus all alone but it's the last weekend i EVER HAVE TO BE HERE. love that. 2 weeks from today, i hope to have the picture drawn above tattooed on me. or at least some version of it. and without the lettering. i really want my ribs tattooed but i know something will happen and i'll get it somewhere else. bamboozle is this weekend and though i'm not going, i'm only regretting 2 things: not meeting Liz Lee and not seeing Something Corporate. hopefully catherine will call me during the set and i can hear them play.. xo.

edit: i look at pictures of him and think he's the most gorgeous person in the world. everything i could ever want. nothing can compare. but then i look at myself. hugely fat stomach, red all over my face, small breasts, always the wrong hair. what does he see in me at all. after all this time? what attracts him to me? i'll never understand it when he's surrounded by any girl he could ever want, and he's with me. i guess that's why i feel hopelessly left out when i'm not around him. i don't know what's going on and it's like everyone's hiding some secret. like i said before, this is the last weekend i'll have to be by myself. it's going to feel like the longest, most painful 2 days of my life. and i'll doubt every second of those 2 days and wonder what he's doing and what he's thinking about. thinking of how to get away? i'll never know.

119

more stress to deal with this weekend..need to finish a paper, 4 articles and STILL FUCKING EDIT SENIOR PROJECT. this guy can go fuck himself, seriously. i'll do the major revisions, like fixing the cover for the fact i'm in journalism not gender studies. but everything else can stay. it's too much for me to deal with. it's a week and a half way, leave me alone. i did do a press release today for a new band called We Still Dream. i really dig them..good pop-punk similar to four year strong. hopefully they play somewhere on li and i book it. xo.

118

no pictures are uploading and i have no idea why. but ones from my phone will upload in a second. this is how i answer teacher evals. um..not much for today. i just can't wait for this weekend where i can take uninterrupted hours to clean my room and start packing stuff. xo.

edit: eva had her honor society induction and her parents took a really good picture. love you best friendddddddd.

117

these are more pictures from the weekend..nothing new to show from today. handed in final edit for senior project todayyyyy. let's see what else he can find wrong with it=/. tonight i have class then i guess writing this paper i never wrote. i really hope she still accepts it, i think she will.

116

bought these dinosaur bracelet things this weekend and haven't taken it off since. my triceratops broke though=[. xo.

edit: mike and i went to a diner for a late dinner and they had jukeboxes only it was present day music.

115

i really wish i had something significant to write on here just once. uploading pictures from yesterday tonight. we played with maconnah and got really cute shots. then went to kppc, don't know why we didn't go where i wanted to. i think mike's scared to go in the buildings because we never do... maybe more later, idk. xo.

114

i want something like this on my arm so fucking bad. something to do with music and flowers around it. maybe a corpse paint girl's face instead of a skull. guess i have something to keep me busy now. doing mike's paper..idk why. going to kppc later to take pictures, that should be worth my day. xo.

113

the show tonight was good. i'm just sick of all the crews ruining shit for everyone else. it doesn't make you better if you talk shit about someone else or if you start fights with someone you don't like. hardcore is about friendship and family and that's what it should always be about. i wanna go see a band, dance and have fun with my friends..not worry for my life and hide in the corner. however, this show got me so stoked for li fest. it'll be 3 days of incredible bands and all my friends for 3 days straight. love life. xo.

112

first blood/thick as blood tonight. write later. xo.

edit: oh hey they andy hurley, you suck at hardcore. go count your fob money.

111

still in a lot of pain..this sucks. at least this is the best picture we've ever taken together. i hope i get better before tomorrow, that won't be very fun. i have a doctor's appointment in 20 minutes anyway so maybe they can tell me something new. then all fucking night i have to work on senior project. if i take it slow and look at the positives, i just need to tweak things and his notes are self explanatory. but i know i'm just going to get frustrated. i wish there was a better way to do this. hmm..maybe this asshole shouldn't have waited until the last minute to have me do all these corrections because i sure as hell know i'm going to stop working if i'm in pain tonight or if i'm tired. i went to bed at 1am and woke up at noon today..i haven't done that since summer and that's a sign i need rest, obviously. hope good things happen tonight, like get a lot of this done.. xo.

110

something interesting to write about today. too bad it's a sad thing. while i've been having slight pains in my back for the past couple days, this morning i had enough. i woke up crying and screaming and immediately called an ambulance. i was in the hospital from 7am until 2 and every second was horrible. they put an iv in my arm for fluids and took a lot of blood. x-ray, ct scan and other tests later they just said it was a bad muscle problem and gave me 3 prescriptions. i know there's not a lot a doctor can do for this kinda thing, if this is what's really wrong, throwing scripts at me and sending me on my way while i'm still in a lot of pain isn't the answer. also, next time anything happens to me that involves going to a hospital, i'm going the second something is wrong and i'm not doing it alone. i should have gone last night while mike and my mom were around me to be there for me. lesson learned. xo.

edit: i met a really nice girl today and she's someone i could talk to for hours about anything. too bad she's friends with the enemy...

109

oh, the wonders of a wal-mart parking lot. yeah..we started driving to school and realized i wouldn't make it in time and why waste my time there when i wouldn't have had a class to go to at that point? =] instead, he's playing banjo and kazooie while i do work and then we're going out to lunch and to kppc so i can use the camera! it's gunna be a great day<3. xo.

108

christopherrrrrrrrrr! the show last night was pretty good. i am forever, a gun for your grave and from bliss to devastation. the best shows are ones where you know everyone and there's always someone to talk to. mike started selling merch last night and made $75 off a few kids. today i took kelly out and finally used my Rebel. went to stop and shop and got new pictures of her, sarah and i..saw brian..went downtown northport and it was way too cold to stand around and do nothing. i hope it gets nicer soon so i can really use this camera. tonight, don't know what's going on. maybe bww but i hope just something relaxing. xo.

107

bayside was incredible. it was one of their best shows i've ever been to, and i've been to 102. while i have the feeling eva didn't have a good time, i really hope she enjoyed herself.

i realized tonight how much i value myself and my beliefs. after seeing almost everyone at culture shock either drunk, high or on some drug, i was proud to be the better person and for once not feel bad about it. this guy, obviously drunk, comes up to us and starts asking me why am i choosing to make myself this way and what are my ways to make people deal with each other and have fun without drinking. uh, maybe know the way to enjoy yourself as your true self and not need alcohol or drugs to make you fun-loving or flirty. people who drink to get drunk or drink to have a good time really piss me off because it's just really pathetic. it's obnoxious and people need to realize that it bothers others. my other reason for being this way is because i don't want to participate in the stupid actions and then deal with the consequences. i didn't enjoy the summers with my old friends in part because my idea of a fun weekend doesn't include standing around a beer pong table watching everyone else have fun only because they're wasted. the factor of my past and alcoholism in my family is a part of all this too but i just want to be a better person and this is a way of starting it and not looking back. xo.

106

oh hey anthony and jack in starbucks... culture shockkkkkkkkkk! maybe more later. xo.

105

good news: my outfit was really cute today. bad news: my computer died and i need a new one. good: all my files (word docs, pictures, movies) were saved. bad: i need a new computer. good: bayside is playing tomorrow. bad: it's going to rain really badly all day. good: thick as blood is on thursday and i get in for free and get to do work backstage. better: mike will be there too and hopefully he'll bring some friends. maybe more later, going crazy saving everything. xo.

104

maybe no boyfriend is better than one that makes you cry. i think i need a break or something needs to change soon. it's been three years, not three weeks. i don't even see a difference anymore. i'm happy but i'd like to know i'm always in his thoughts and that i'm always important to him. if i knew i was part of his decision making process, i wouldn't care what he did or who he hung out with. but because i need to read facebook to know what's going on, there's a clear problem in that. i feel like i'm an embarrassment to him. the ugly, secret girlfriend. i haven't met any of his friends from school and i doubt they even know about me. he is a huge part of my life and my friends know him even if they never met him. it's frustrating how much room i make for him in my life and how little a part i am in his. xo.

103

i have 30 days to lose as much weight as i can. i'm already eating better since i'm not at home eating what we're cooking at mike's house. went to the gym yesterday and today and i've had a lot more energy, obviously. i just wish that once one thing goes well, everything else follows but it seems the opposite. haven't heard from you all day after something that was your fault happened and it still bothers me that you feel it's not a big deal and that you aren't wrong. it hurts me that you don't know details about me. the same details that i memorized within weeks of knowing you. it shows a lack of commitment i've never seen in you until recently. i hope things change because it's getting tiring. xo.

102

gary michel and evan buksbaum at battle of the bands last night. it's bullshit that from the pawn didn't win and some shitty pop-punk band did. ftp deserves playing any show or festival they can and it sucks that judges couldn't look past whatever didn't make their decision on them. today, back at school with a lot to do..at least it'll be an interesting week and a half. xo.

101

this was awesome..michael kors sandals for $30 at macy's. i've gotten all my summer clothes (for now) with the 2 macy's giftcards i got for my birthday and it was all very well spent. xo.

100

last night made it a birthday to remember. my aunt handed me a heavy bag and i had no idea what was in it but near the end of dinner i opened it and it was a canon rebel, the camera i've wanted since it came out. a present has never made me cry but this one definitely did. i can't wait to do so much with this and take it with me everywhere. i still need to decide between lola and JM for its' name. xo.

99

went shopping..getting ready for my late birthday dinner. should be a good night. xo.

98

i love kat von d. xo.

97

reasons why i'm am really happy:
-handed in senior project today after 9 months of hell. i couldn't be happier with the final product.
-went to macy's and returned the necklace. bought really nice clothes for very cheap and have a lot on the giftcard left to enjoy at a later time.
-going home tomorrow for a busy weekend.
-found a shade of pink nail polish that isn't too barbie and isn't so light you can't notice.
-i graduate in 34 days.
-started talking to you today and it was nice to get to know someone new.
-it's less than 3 months until 3 years with mike. beyond ecstatic about this because no one seems to know how to handle a relationship.
-oh and, started losing weight again along with caring less about how i look and slowly stopping obsessing about it.

"be real, stay true. don't let your hopes disown you. how can you move forward when you live in the past? be thankful. you're given one love, one life, one chance."-from the pawn, "ambitions of man."

96

saw this on fyeahtattoos and i think i'm gunna use the tattoo pen on myself tonight to see if i would like it..not those words of course, i would use the vanna lyrics. but for now, i have to finish senior project work so i can hand it in tomorrow. xo.

95

"we're nothing short of invincible."-"reinventing your exit."

today is a sad day. it's sadder than if the band were to actually break up. aaron gillespie left underoath. the one band, besides bayside, that i've listened to and loved from the day they started. aaron was the last original member of UO and he's been one of my favorite people for just as long. his spiritual and humanitarian efforts are amazing. i got involved with twloha because of him. i've been to 13 underoath shows and seen them at every warped tour they've played (5). sadly i have only met him once, for 2 seconds, on accident. wow, i make it sound like he died or something. it feels like something died because while i know he will do incredible things with the almost and whatever else musical he will do, i don't think UO will ever be as good as they are with him. i wonder what will happen. after the news broke everywhere he posted in his blog saying, "its all good. times change, roll with the hurricane." i loved you for the last 11 years. thank you for all of it.

anyway..today was a great way to end break. woke up, showered, rushed and got to purchase. i thought mike was gunna leave when i went to class but he ended up staying until 7:30. really wish he didn't have to leave but 4 days is absolutely no wait. this week i realized how lucky i am to have him. i also realized that i don't have to try so hard on looking perfect or acting appropriately. every day, i hope i remember what he said to me: "i love when you can wake up, put your hair up and just go. you would look beautiful no matter what you do." love him forever.

oh, and my senior project pictures came in the mail today. SO GLAD THAT'S DONE WITH. excited to look at it thursday or friday, whenever i'm able to leave. mmmm k, need to do work. xo.

"i'm on my way to the top of the world and i've got a feeling i'll give it away."-"down, set, go."

94

happy easter=] and, oh, so i'm kinda pretty today. that is all. xo.

93

alanna and me after the show. it was entertaining to say the least. my favorite shows are the ones where the bands aren't my favorite but my best friends all come. the ghost inside, stray from the path, veil of maya, stick to your guns and unearth played. once again, i got hurt during veil of maya. the bottom of the barricade got lifted up, i got pushed back and it landed on my ankle and hurt it pretty bad. not fun today in heels but thankfully i can just wear sandals tonight at mike's. easter with my family was nice. i like the other country club better because of the food and stuff..this one had the nicer scenery. soo guess i'll finish packing then leave. maybe more later, idk. xo.

92

i had the best birthday ever. for once, everyone that said they would come over actually did. so, thank you bobby, chris, johnnie, alex, david, ariana, law, cj, melissa, andrew, nicole, kevin, morrow and everyone else you showed up. and i'm really thankful to have mike and catherine in my life because i really don't know what i would do without them. love you guys. my day was amazing. oh, also earlier in the day i got my dress for easter and that made things less stressful. also got a really cute yellow hoodie from victoria's secret and the new perfume. don't know what's going on today but i know it'll be good. xo.