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the scene aesthetic on repeat all day it seems. they express every feeling i've felt today. don't think that's a good thing i was so emotional today but a lot happened.
i wish when a relationship was good, you could just skip to the final result. are you going to stay together or find someone else? it would be a lot better than being jealous and wondering constantly. to know the truth of how someone thinks of you would be awesome. maybe i wouldn't doubt myself almost all the time. or hate how i look. or think i have to need to hate other girls. maybe if i was a 100 pounds lighter. maybe if i had dark hair. bigger plugs in my ears. much bigger tits. i don't know what it takes to feel alright anymore. i'm trying to stay positive, i really am. just got a text that i'm dreading to read. i don't know why i ask these questions that make my heart sink into my stomach. i'm not someone who is afraid of the truth. but sometimes pain overthrows fear...thank you, it was a positive thing i read. i wonder how guys feel when they see their girlfriend enthralled in some guy. is there instant jealousy? or could they care less because they know the girl is so devoted they would never cheat or leave? of course, it's weird, we have the same weaknesses (tattoos, tasteful piercings, thin, dark and long hair). however, in 3 years, there's only been 1 guy i'd leave him for. and that was because how secure i thought i felt when i was around him. nothing happened with him, nothing would ever happen with another guy. but i wonder if a guy's thoughts end there or if they think about what could happen; what the girl looks like naked compared to their girlfriend; what life would be like with this girl. i hate thinking things like this but at least i get it out here. if it were ever brought up in a real conversation i'd just be told i'm jealous, ridiculous or that i need to grow up. sorry, it's how i feel, what i fear and what i think about. if you're reading this, maybe you should start thinking the same things and wonder what you'd really do without me. xo.

"as you escape from your life, this house becomes hollow. and all we can do is just wait. sit here and wait for this train to arrive. i've got my bags packed and i've said my goodbyes. constantly giving into these moments. that just bring me down just bring me close enough to stay around, to stay around"-the scene aesthetic, "alvin maker's greensong."