31

spent the day with kelly for the first time in awhile. I got everything I've needed since christmas at target and walmart. I also got mike's vday present..hope he loves it, I know he will. Wow, this is our 3rd valentine's day together..so crazy how fast time goes. now we're just watching the Grammy awards and waiting for dinner to be ready. I really don't wanna go back to school tonight. Its been a good weekend seeing everyone. we didn't fight once and it was wonderful just being happy constantly. hopefully more of this happiness is to come. xo.

30

incendiary long sleeve and new plugs<3 everything is perfect right now. don't wanna say anything more until the night is over because i've yet to see mike and i don't want to be too positive. things seem to be really bad on anniversaries where i'm really happy all day and then the night is just horrible. definitely will write more later. xo.

29

drove back home with my dad at 4 and got this sweet shot of the full moon. got home in time to go to the show tonight. I Am Forever, Casari and Rebuild and a couple other bands playing. Jerry, Davis, Chris, Dayne, Arma, Sarah, Paige and everyone else was there. I feel like its a second family when we're all together. All the bands were pretty great even though the sets were cut really short. After, we drove Chris and his 2 friends, Kati and Jenn, home. Now Mike and I are having dinner and watching Lock and Load. Hope I stay tonight and then a long day to go through tomorrow. oh, and I gauged my ears to 9/16 tonight:) i'll probably go up to 5/8 next week once these don't hurt. loveeee life. xo.

28

the scene aesthetic on repeat all day it seems. they express every feeling i've felt today. don't think that's a good thing i was so emotional today but a lot happened.
i wish when a relationship was good, you could just skip to the final result. are you going to stay together or find someone else? it would be a lot better than being jealous and wondering constantly. to know the truth of how someone thinks of you would be awesome. maybe i wouldn't doubt myself almost all the time. or hate how i look. or think i have to need to hate other girls. maybe if i was a 100 pounds lighter. maybe if i had dark hair. bigger plugs in my ears. much bigger tits. i don't know what it takes to feel alright anymore. i'm trying to stay positive, i really am. just got a text that i'm dreading to read. i don't know why i ask these questions that make my heart sink into my stomach. i'm not someone who is afraid of the truth. but sometimes pain overthrows fear...thank you, it was a positive thing i read. i wonder how guys feel when they see their girlfriend enthralled in some guy. is there instant jealousy? or could they care less because they know the girl is so devoted they would never cheat or leave? of course, it's weird, we have the same weaknesses (tattoos, tasteful piercings, thin, dark and long hair). however, in 3 years, there's only been 1 guy i'd leave him for. and that was because how secure i thought i felt when i was around him. nothing happened with him, nothing would ever happen with another guy. but i wonder if a guy's thoughts end there or if they think about what could happen; what the girl looks like naked compared to their girlfriend; what life would be like with this girl. i hate thinking things like this but at least i get it out here. if it were ever brought up in a real conversation i'd just be told i'm jealous, ridiculous or that i need to grow up. sorry, it's how i feel, what i fear and what i think about. if you're reading this, maybe you should start thinking the same things and wonder what you'd really do without me. xo.

"as you escape from your life, this house becomes hollow. and all we can do is just wait. sit here and wait for this train to arrive. i've got my bags packed and i've said my goodbyes. constantly giving into these moments. that just bring me down just bring me close enough to stay around, to stay around"-the scene aesthetic, "alvin maker's greensong."

27

sketchbook timeee. i'm starting to really put time into this. maybe later tonight after senior project meeting and all=[ i really hate that i have to go walking around campus at night after not doing anything all day. maybe it'll be a worthwhile meeting for once.

when other people need or want something anymore, i'm not going to be there. whenever i ask someone to go somewhere or do something with me, their shit is always more important. i actually rather be around people when i need to go shopping or into town or even studying when its nothing serious. i'm there for people when they need to talk and i help them until their problems are solved. but when i need someone to talk to, they're always busy, or sleeping or seem as if they couldn't care. i want to be able to ask for favors and not seem as if i'm bothering them by being alive. i need some genuine people in my life who are good friends because i'm starting to think those kind of people don't exist. it's also exhausting trying to make a livable situation here. i try and talk to them but i just get ignored like i'm not supposed to be there. i want to sit them down and explain what's going on in my life that keeps me to myself but its the same question-would they even care or think it's pathetic? i really don't want to feel this way but its hard when there's no one supportive around. and this whole losing weight thing i'm beginning to give up on. i've gone to the gym, a week straight today, for at least 2 hours a day. i'm eating pretty well..no more than 1,000 calories a day and drinking a lot of water and no snacks. so then why did i gain weight yesterday? i just don't understand. i want something good to happen soon because i really need it. xo.

edit: how can one girl be so mean it makes me cry? i can't live like this for another 4 months, i just can't.

26

overwhelmed and i need to calm down. maybe write later after the gym. xo.
edit: normally, i like taking my own pictures but this is too good not to remember. jt woodruff (hawthorne heights) is playing an acoustic show at vibe lounge in a couple weeks and its on a monday. i tweeted saying how it was unfair they aren't playing on a weekend and he replied. it's little things like this that make my day better=] now if only alex pardee would do the same thing for me, then that'd be awesome. today was stressful, like i stated before. i'm taking the two most intense journalism classes offered here. on the same day, right after the other. awesome. wonder how this is gunna turn out. at least one is based on music and the other can be about art and theater. by the end of the semester i need to write 6 stories, 3 for each class, and i have all my story ideas planned out. and for the first time ever, i have backups planned. even if i don't need them and they do end up happening, it's nice to have as clips for jobs later on.

oh, i've said it before and i'll say it again. girls only cause problems for me. this semester better be different. if you're reading this, remember this. xo.

25

got an e-mail from john wylie (owner of eulogy) today saying i'm doing an amazing job with everything. i needed that. i feel like either people think i'm making this whole thing up or that it won't lead anywhere. its really hard to stay positive about things. i take so much time caring and thinking about my friends..to know what they're up to, who they're dating, if we'll have plans when i come home. but when it comes to them thinking about me, i'm a stranger. i have to explain everything over and over. doesn't anyone take the time to remember things anymore? same thing with mike. we've been together for almost 3 years now. when i mention the first name of one of my friends, why do i have to tag a story to it reminding him who i'm talking about? even more than that, i have to remind my parents about friends or even this job thing. yeah, it's a legit thing. yeah, i'm going to have to move away eventually for it. i'm not just sitting in front of my computer for hours on end so i can avoid you. i'm doing it because i finally got something i've wanted. maybe i should start caring less so i'm less disappointed when someone forgets about me. xo.

edit: i saved putting up a picture until later today because i had a feeling something else good would happen. i read the new AP. every month they're doing a look at a band and follow their progress from the first album until now and their band of the month was new found glory. nfg might be what got me to like what i like now. they're one of the few bands that can put out any music and i'll really love it from beginning to end. i think the only other bands that can do that for me are bayside, vanna, a day to remember and crime in stereo. anyway, while reading it i see john is part of the interview. he's the one who put out "nothing gold can stay." he signed them, gave them their start. it's amazing that i work for him. i have so many questions to ask...too many. i don't wanna come off as a crazy fan girl only doing this to ask stupid shit like how certain people really are or stuff about the industry. i wanna do this so badly, i want to know everything possible. guess we'll see what happens. only good things, i hope. xo.

24

my dad came up for breakfast this morning. the regular place we go to wasn't open, and hasn't been since last spring, so we went to a diner in white plains. didn't think it would be good but it was the best french toast i ever had. it was also too much so i saved the rest for dinner tonight. after that he went back home to meet jimmy and thad for the jets game. haven't been on facebook and i won't go on it until the jets win so everyone's statuses shut up. tomorrow is gunna be boring. i'm going to hate mondays and thursdays so much because my day is over at 2. maybe i'll make it a point to actually read every assigned page of homework in the books this year. xo.

23

played with the webcam and did skype with mike last night. pretty useful for when we can't actually be together. i just hope that good things come from this and suspicions don't start. xo.

22

i don't like getting out of bed before 11 if i don't have a reason. if i'm sick, that is even more true. so when a professor cancels a 10am class on the first day when i've been really sick for 2 weeks or so, i am livid. i'd love to fall back asleep but i doubt that will happen. my whiteboard explains my version of GTL (gym, tan, laundry from JS). college kids thrive on slacking off, drinking until they black out and being all around assholes. i'm taking my last semester serious in all aspects of my life. not going to fuck up this time. diet and strict working out starts today and i'll try my hardest to continue it when i go home for weekends. guess i'll put on up and try sleeping again. i miss my bear=[. xo.

21

went back to purchase today..i guess it's okay. the first day back is always hard. i really hate it but it'll be better tomorrow. woke up, went to class then mike was still here so we went to the mall for awhile. he got cd's then drove back to school. forgetting about what happened ever because i'm trying not to think about negative things so i can try and be a positive person and see the good in things. i'm going to miss him so much. i can't believe tonight is the first night in over a month we won't sleep together. wonder how that will work out. it hurts my heart so much that two people so in love need to be apart. i wonder if he feels the same way.

so, a few days ago with that band thing..what got me thinking about this was bayside. anthony is doing a solo acoustic show tonight with shane henderson, jt woodruff and others. it really annoys me that the massive amounts of people are going to this because they think the guys are playing hits from their bands. all of them have their own songs and lyrics and side projects. they will either be seriously disappointed that "devotion and desire" or "3,000 miles" won't be played. that, or they'll start loving the solo sides of all them. xo.

20

happy birthday mommy=]. went to tomo for dinner then hung out around the house to pack. xo.

19

its been 4 years and it still feels like yesterday. love you and miss you jeff. xo.

18

today was a good day=] went to the bluff with catherine and mike to take pictures. erik and ashley showed up there too for awhile. i forget what else happened that night but its been good all week. i'm using this as a picture for today because i've been thinking about it a lot. yes, it's floating around the internet and it sounds like bullshit because everyone else is probably saying the same thing but it's true. to make it even more true, fuck knowing cobra starship before they had radio play, i knew gabe saporta when there was midtown. i really do despise people who like bands only for the fame or pop hits. you should like a band because they change your life in some way or because you've followed them from the beginning. so frustrating. xo.

17

last night i realized that i have more guy friends than girl friends. and i think i like it better that way. girls are just annoying and a threat when they get to close. the only girl friends i value are catherine, alanna, kelly and sarah. other than that, don't really care. it's just proven to be too much work. they either want to create problems or sleep with mike. i'm going to be 22, i don't need to waste my time anymore on things like that.
today i guess i'm just watching movies and doing stuff at home. the program for twitter isn't working and i wish it was because now my entire day is blown. guess i'll see later. mike's coming over after work to watch starship troopers and watch dinner. xo.

16

from bliss to devastation today. write more later. xo.

edit: fbtd killed it. i don't think i've ever seen them live and they were so good. sure, half the crowd were friends with the band but the guys got so into it. i am forever played tonight too. they're my new favorite local band. just realized we didn't buy their cd..guess i'll find it somewhere or get it from one of the guys. if the bands aren't that good, the best thing is meeting new people. finally met dayne (plays drums in iaf). he's a really nice guy. also met james and some other kids. my favorite thing, of course, was that evan showed up with fbtd. i've never seen him dance but he was good. i felt like for the first time i could talk to him without all the girls and his friends around i forgot to ask about playing my show in may but i'll ask the next time. i'm sure they'll do it. xo.

15

i have the onset of strep throat. awesome. but last night was amazing. mike and i went to dave and busters with bobby and had a nice night. then nick called us and said he was with alanna, john, jung and this girl arielle. so that was pretty fun. john's 2 friends kevin and someone i don't remember showed up and they were so chill. Mike asked kevin to be in their band or whatever and it sound promising. they left around 130 and that's when i started getting a fever, chills and a headache. mike was the best boyfriend and took really good care of me all night. xo.

i don't know what i'm going to do with this feeling. i'll never act on it but i can't help but wonder what if.

edit: tonight was interesting, to say the least. went to the mall and got this really adorable hat with my h&m card. then greg came over. it's really great to see him and know all the progress he's made. when we used to hang out every night, we were really close. and over the past year, yeah we've lost touch but he's one of those people who you feel never left. there's a definite change in his personality but i think that's a good thing. he grew up. after awhile, nick and chris showed up. even catherine was around for the whole night. that i really miss because we never reall hang out and when we do, law or tor are there too.. so it's around midnight now and we're sitting around when everyone's complaining about being bored. chris decides to gives mike's fridge and freezer a winter cleaning and put everything expired into the blender to make concoctions to "use" in different places. not gunna explain, could be incriminating. but for those who were there, it was a night to never forget. but the one part that i have to mention is the high speed car chase. after a couple rounds, greg bought eggs to throw randomly out of the car. we got to mayfair and saw this lone car in the parking lot. thinking no one was in it, greg threw a single egg at the back. we drove past and OH LOOK, there's someone inside. i've never seen someone go from parked in a turned off car to racing behind us so quickly. they followed us at 80mph for a couple miles until we thought they were gunna crash into us or throw a crowbar at the minivan. around smithtown somewhere, they got alongside us and threw something. didn't damage our car or anything but it sounded really bad and the breakes got messed up for awhile. while it could've ended worse, it was the most exciting night we've had all break. this is why i miss our old friends. this kind of stuff happened every night, not every couple of weeks. but now they all think getting drunk and high is better than this. their loss. xo.

14

coolest fish i've even seen. they're called tattoo fish. the people that breed them actually tattoo them and the guy at the pet store say it stays on their scales until they die. i think i'm gunna go back before tuesday and get one or two because i've never seen these before the they're rare to find anywhere. alright so, today..woke up, had an interesting morning with mike and talked a lot of stuff. we had to meet alex for breakfast at 11:30. got there at like, 12:45. i wish we could've had more time with him but he said he had work or something. and i know it was my decision and my idea to invite chris jung but i always regret it. i'm not respected by any of mike's friends. i will always be the girlfriend. i'll always be nothing and have no name to them. so why should i respect them back? i know i said i would try to be nicer, and that was the point of asking her to breakfast. but i deserve a hello or even a smile. i know that my boyfriend is what you want but come on, at least fake it for an hour. it's like that with everyone. especially this girl i don't even know who i wish would go the fuck away. i'd like to be the person who teaches others boundaries in relationships, i'd have no problems ever. if only...

i think tonight we're going to dave and busters with bobby and maybe some other people. i'd like to see alanna but she'll be with the aforementioned and a couple people. who knows. xo.

"i used to pray like god was listening. i used to make my parents proud. i was the glue that kept my friends together, now they don't talk and we don't go out. i used to know the name of every person i'd kissed. now i've made this bed and i can't fall asleep in it."-brand new, "millstone."

13

mmm starfruit for breakfast. don't know what's going on today other than meeting sarah at tormented souls at 3. if you're reading this, what i said wasn't about you so chill. maybe write later. xo.

12

last night was good. kills and thrills, ambush, renae, murder of a harlot and i think one other band played. for the first time, a local show didn't disappoint. every band had a great set and so many people danced. one thing i found out was the reason the venue isn't called vps anymore is because the sleeping (<333) id="gwProxy" type="hidden">

11

my boredom but happiness shows in this. i don't know what it is, i've just been happy. nothing has bothered me the past week. we haven't fought either which is a great thing. i guess if i just genuinely act like this, it will stay like this for a long time. today i guess i'm doing hours of work and he's working on designs for fbtd and then hopefully the gym. xo.

""so i wrote you this song. i hope that you like it because you light up my life and i know you can fight this."-the scene aesthetic, "humans."

10

bayside is my favorite band of all time, which is why this next statement is shocking. i never knew shudder had a bonus itunes track called "you've already been." and it sucks because i can't find it anywhere and no one i know has it. what sucks even more is that the lyrics are so beautiful.

Let's say, that you're on a plane
It's going down fast
And you had time to think about
You're life and times
And where you'll end up

They say there's a place
You worry what it might be like
And scream 'cause you're scared

What if I swore to God?
Would you believe me then?
Isn't there something to be said about
Brand name recognition

Let's say, you're plane didn't crash
And you should survive
Would go back to you selfish way
And deny this was divine

They say there's a place
You worry what it might be like
And scream 'cause you're scared

What if I swore to God?
Would you believe me then?
Isn't there something to be said about
Brand name recognition

What can I say?
We ate the apple anyway
And you'll wonder when you'll get there
When you've already been

Well let's say that this happens again
This time you were rotated back
Believe what ever's right for you
Don't doubt your worth
Stay in command

What if I swore to God?
Would you believe me then?
Isn't there something to be said about
Brand name recognition

What can I say?
We ate the apple anyway
And you'll wonder when you'll get there
When you've already been

9

mornings like this are the best. when things are good, it's amazing and you just go with it. even breakfast was worth taking time for. but then he had to go to work and that really sucked. but as i was driving home kelly texted me to go to the mall so we went for a couple hours. i used my h&m card for a necklace, beanie and lip gloss. definitely wearing the hat tonight because it's really cute and fits right for once. there's still $8 on the card so i'll probably go back and get something for mike. finished up the xxi card with a lot of jewelry, hair stuff and 10 pairs of socks i so desperately needed. first time ever they aren't kbell but they're cute and bright colors so whatever. talking to kelly is always reminding me i'll always have my best friend. we could not have talked for months, see eachother for a day and act like no time has passed in between. really wish i could sit through avatar for a second time and go with all them tonight but maybe i'll meet up with them after.
i wonder what really makes you say the things you do. it has to be how others respond to you and their personalities because i cannot be blamed how others act or if they want to see you. i don't appreciate being called out on things i can't change at the moment. i can't make the economy change and have it go back to when it was okay for a business to hire someone for a couple weeks and then they leave for school. i can't change that my parents won't give me a car or help me with one until i work steadily. sorry i don't make money because i'm concentrating on working towards my career that you pushed me to in the first place. there's a lot of things i want to change but i'm not sorry for. when it will change, it will be amazing. but until then, please understand. xo.

8

the cats get more attention in this blog than i do. we watched stepbrothers last night and i don't know why i found it so funny when we saw it in theaters. there's maybe 3 good parts in the entire movie. wish we watched role models or inglourious for the 100th time. so i don't know what it is. you're friends with someone for almost 6 years and they never seem to change. it's always the same thing..what they talk about, what they've been up to, who they hang out with. even who they date is cyclic. and you would think that this is a quality that would never let you down, not make you annoyed. or maybe it's her. don't really know but i hope it gets figured out soon.
i wish i was going with ack and sari to see crime in stereo and incendiary. if mike wasn't working today maybe we would have. xo.

edit: another goal for 2010: meet bam margera. this will happen, i don't care what it takes.

7

last night was epic. nick and alanna came over and we're sitting around trying to figure out what to do. we decided on driving to jersey to go to sonic. we left around 1:30 and got there at 3. before we left we called to know if they were 24 hours or not and the guy said yes. we get there, decide what to order and then pull up to the drive-thru and they say they're closed for 2 hours and to come back at 5:45. awesome. so we drove around for a long time, found a d&d and sat around there until morning. i knew i always liked nick and alanna but i never realized how well we get along and how much we have in common. i finally feel like nick is my friend, not just mike's. and alanna was never anyone's so we can become friends without that thought. we played this game where we spun alanna's phone and whoever it landed on asked a question to the rest of us and we all had to answer. i love the people i surround myself with. i'm sorry that it isn't hundreds of people and i'm sorry that it's always the same ones but at least i'm having a lot of fun. and that's all that matters, right? we left d&d at 6, got to sonic, ordered and devoured our food so fast. i got a burger, tater tots (so good) and a vanilla shake (that's now in my freezer because no one ever brought it into the house). i feel really bad that the three of us fell asleep the entire way home and left mike to drive on his own. i wouldn't want to be driving around somewhere i'm not familiar with without someone helping me or someone to talk to. got back to the house around 8:30. next thing i remember was waking up at 11 to erik sitting next to me talking about some band with the boys. i wish we did more things like this more often. i have 13 days left and i want to make the most of it, whatever that may mean..being productive, doing stuff for work, working on senior project, more roadtrips or getting to know some more people. don't know what's going on tonight but i know it'll be good.xo.

6

love how my hair turned out today. this was the first time since i cut it that i left it alone and it got pretty and curly. definitely never going to happen again because i don't have that luck with my hair. also, mike ruined my boots/made them brutal and drew my name on the bottoms. i guess i'll write later if nothing goes on. there's a lot i've been thinking about but too busy to actually write it down. xo.

5

if this was the only app i could have on my itouch, it wouldn't be a disappointment. last night mike and i saw avatar. sure, it was a typical story line but past that it was really badass. the animation was awesome. also the way they made the avatars look so close to their human was really creepy but its what you'd expect with what they can do now. got out at around midnight and i hoped that we could see people but everyone was either busy or sleeping. i promised myself this year that i wouldn't get upset over little things. but sometimes it's really hard. especially when you take something personally and someone else always thinks its a joke. when someone says something about someone you care about, you're going to take it personally. it's going to hurt you until they apologize or you're comforted. neither of those endings happened for me but i hope that if i learn to not make it a big thing, i'll be right in the end and be comforted. some people just need to learn boundaries and that not everyone takes the same thing as a joke. xo.

4

aww maconnah<3 don't understand why these cats like the candy necklace. maconnah liked wearing and chasing it and ferris definitely ate some of it. the show last night was a great one to begin the year with. forfeit was really good, i'll be listening to them a lot more now. down to nothing was awesome. the only bad thing was how ts and s love to hurt people. luckily it only happened during tui and during the second to last song. romper punched chris jung in the face and hurt her nose. don't know if it was him but someone hit me in the back of the head and that sucked a lot. i don't know what it is about asians but unless you're asian too, they have no respect for you. this fat asian girl behind me kept pushing me off her when the guys in front of me moved back. at one point she was like "get this fat girl off me." yeah, thanks bitch. oh and from the pawn showed up during tui's set. evan said hi to me=] during tui's last song this guy punched this big guy's girlfriend and it started a fight so everyone left. it was good seeing abe and kyle when they weren't starting fights for once. i wish we could hang out with them outside of shows so maybe that will happen soon. sooo done with being sick, i can't do this anymore. today i think we're gunna do a lot of errands, maybe go to the mall and hopefully (finally) see avatar. xo.

3

leaving for the first show of the year! trapped under ice, down to nothing, cruel hand(<333), forfeit, backtrack and naysayer.

2

sent this picture to mike while he was at work and he texted back saying he got it and laughed while on register=] spending the day at home is kind of relaxing. i feel like i should clean my room and put away everything i got christmas and stuff i've bought but watching a movie is so much better. there's a lot of sales at stores but the snow is keeping me from being there for now..maybe later. i feel like my days are wasted and everything really happens between 6pm and 5am. wish it didn't but at least its fun. tonight i think we're seeing avatar and having dinner with some people.

1

soo 2010 now. can't believe it's another year and i'm starting (and staying with) this new blog for another 365. and i also can't think of a better way of starting my day. doing eulogy work, watching brad pitt and actually progressing with senior project.

new year's resolutions:
1-be a nicer person to everyone. try and get along and mend problems with enemies. but if i can't accept that and move on. don't dwell on that fact and make things worse.
2-be a better girlfriend. it's going to be three years in june. why are things still the way they are? i'll try to make things as perfect as i can but there are many things i can't fix. love will overpower those things and fix them itself.
3-lose weight. i'm sick of being this way. this should be number 1 on this list but being thinner won't change my personality (at least i don't think so). i promise to be at least 130 by graduation. it'll kill me but it'll be so worth it in the end.
4-take pictures. i want to remember this year as well as the last. there's so many amazing people in my life and i want to remember every single day.
5-go to as many shows as possible. this one is a given every year. i think i did maybe 50 last year which makes my total way over 400 now. so worth it. love my life.
6-make more friends. i didn't wanna put this one because it's something that should just happen. everyone i know that i don't hang out with either lives too far away or i don't know them well enough to be with them in person. i really want to change that. if you have a friendship, nothing should keep you from having that.

that's about it for now. getting ready soon to pick up mike and maybe work out. chris and nicole wanna do dinner and a movie later tonight. (pleaseee be cheesecake factory and avatar.) xo.