150

today we had the garage sale, which was surprisingly a huge success. i sold a lot of clothes and made $87. the boys did really good too. best part was when cj, melissa, kevin, henry and others came over to hang out.

the most shocking part of today, kind of this morning at 4a.m. was talking to mike about everything that's been building up inside for the past month or so. i still don't know what to think about it. i feel he says things to keep himself guarded and i wonder what he would really do if certain things happened. he said cheating is nothing but sex. but to me, it's anything. i will never test his limits with what he can tolerate or think is appropriate but it hurts that he doesn't think more of what could come between us. and i hate that i got a text just now about what's going on. whatever was going on, is still fucked up and now she's really involved. he asked her out. she said yes. now what happens to everything that did happen? this should have never started because then maybe things would be clearer and people's feelings wouldn't have gotten hurt. it's always the other girl that wins. i'm never good enough, not even for what already has me. i hate myself for this and feel worse than i did before. i want to feel how i felt two years and thirty one days ago. happy. fearless. excited for the future. and now i don't even have the strength to want to be in this relationship anymore without having something, whether it's trust, friendship or someone's love, to fall back on. xo.