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bobby's barbecue today. xo.

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today we had the garage sale, which was surprisingly a huge success. i sold a lot of clothes and made $87. the boys did really good too. best part was when cj, melissa, kevin, henry and others came over to hang out.

the most shocking part of today, kind of this morning at 4a.m. was talking to mike about everything that's been building up inside for the past month or so. i still don't know what to think about it. i feel he says things to keep himself guarded and i wonder what he would really do if certain things happened. he said cheating is nothing but sex. but to me, it's anything. i will never test his limits with what he can tolerate or think is appropriate but it hurts that he doesn't think more of what could come between us. and i hate that i got a text just now about what's going on. whatever was going on, is still fucked up and now she's really involved. he asked her out. she said yes. now what happens to everything that did happen? this should have never started because then maybe things would be clearer and people's feelings wouldn't have gotten hurt. it's always the other girl that wins. i'm never good enough, not even for what already has me. i hate myself for this and feel worse than i did before. i want to feel how i felt two years and thirty one days ago. happy. fearless. excited for the future. and now i don't even have the strength to want to be in this relationship anymore without having something, whether it's trust, friendship or someone's love, to fall back on. xo.

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i wanna remember how to still love friends when they're assholes. i'll put up with my best friend for a huge amount of time but there is still a point. no use in talking about it. xo.

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mmmm snack last night. valencia announced a show at broadway on june 25th. that makes today amazing. xo.

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saw a loss for words and transit last night. awesome show, no fights, bobby came. couldn't have been better. don't know what's good for today but i know i NEED TO FIND A FUCKING JOB. more later. xo.

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we went garbage picking last night and found a sweet barbie truck i used to have when i was younger. we'll see how it goes on saturday. xo.

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happy 19th birthday to the most amazing person in my life. xo.

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everyone seems happy but it wasn't a good day. knuckle up, float face down and bryan's band in the path of titans played. once again, i just don't understand. if you're going somewhere you know you aren't welcome, expect things to happen. you can't just show up at our venue and think you won't be noticed. as bad as crew shit is, it's never going to stop. the two things i hope is that none of this happens at ny fest and li fest.

nothing much going on today. gunna finish cleaning and get super cute for mike's birthday dinner tonight. xo.

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yesterday was one of the best days i've had in a very long time. and i can't even talk about it. how sad is that? i hope i remember it for a really long time because i haven't smiled that much or laughed that hard in weeks. i want yesterday to be every single day. i hope it can be. other than what i won't speak of, i took a walk through kings park, again. i feel like while it's the creepiest and most dangerous place on li anyone could go, it's very peaceful when you're alone. i honestly could spend hours around there and not get bored. got some good shots in new buildings. drove up to the water after and it's never the same without you. left there, picked up chris and hung out for awhile before going to mike's. i miss when it's just mike, chris and i. hope the summer is all about that. today there's a show at vps that i already agreed to=/ better be worth it. xo.

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chris came home last night! great start to the real summer. doing a lot today, write later. xo.

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mmmf shorts for the next few days=/. xo.

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so happy i could cry. got the tattoo then went to alex's bonfire. miss those kids so much.xo.

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like a boss. xo.

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bought myself a sweet present yesterday. don't know if i'll keep it because i need to see how much paper and ink will be but i think it'll be cool. gotta get ready then out with bobby soon. xo.

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begin the obnoxious and amazing party pictures.

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party today! write later. xo.

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graduation day =] xo.

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adventured in white plains all day..mike came later on..had dinner with everyone. went to see iron man 2. slept in this bed for the last time ever. 12 hours to go. xo.

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made a cake today..everything was perfect until 11. got my grade for senior project. if it's the last thing i do, lunstrum is going the fuck down tomorrow. and then having an amazing last day here with eva, tom and mike. love everything. last day tomorrow, here it goes. xo.

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senior processional. xo.

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long effing day today. took the last test i will ever have to take. history final, 9 page 3 part essay. it was kinda easy but whatever. DONEZO. then eva came to the doctors to meet me as i was done with my appointment then off to white plains. got my nails done for graduation IN 4 DAYS and went shopping for awhile. lunch at applebees which was pretty good. umm then went to barnes and noble, found a couple of new books. went back to campus and hung out with adam for awhile. walked back, had dinner and then adam came over for the night. he got us to watch high school musical 3..it umm..didn't suck. he left and we stayed up talking for a couple hours. we have the rest of the week planned with stuff and it's gunna be great. more tomorrow. xo.

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12 arnold palmers and kisses from the best cat in the world. last night was johnnie's party. bobby, chris, connor came with us and everything was really good..until the boys decided to mosh in the street and i got hit HARD in the face by chris. i felt so bad because while it hurt, i didn't want him seeing me like that. i kinda didn't know what happened. one second it felt it and then i didn't know where i was or how i got into the car. it still really hurts and i have a bad headache but it was an accident, what am i gunna do? if it was a guy from a crew or someone at a show i would've gone after him but it was one of my best friends. just gunna take it slow over the next couple days.

oh, and, GRADUATION IS IN 5 DAYS. can't believe this is happening! senior week is gunna be great, hopefully. xo.

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the first picture is the puppy i should have won. someone else won the contest and it sucks but oh well. it happened for a reason. the second picture is the house i want to buy with mike when we have millions of dollars. it's on makamah beach road. the people tore down the old house and have been building this one since february '05. it's in the shape of a boat, mostly made of glass and it's the most beautiful house i've ever seen in my life. i need it. xo.

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this pretty much sums up my day. xo.