126

tonight we saw converge. unfuckingbelievable. they were so amazing to watch. the reviews and other people's stories weren't kidding when they said jake leaves everything he has on the stage. i'm glad that sph has kind of a balcony so i wasn't on the floor because i would've died. they didn't play too many songs that we knew which was really disappointing. but everything else was great. touche amore opened for them with lewd acts. it usually takes me a couple listens of a band to love them but i heard the first 20 seconds of touche amore and fell in love. i can't wait to get back to school and download everything they've ever done. the singer is super nice too. we met him after when buying merch. he couldn't have been nicer to everyone. mike bought me a converge shirt of my very own=] now i don't have to look huge and like a boy when i wanna wear it because it's my size now.

125

i bought this shirt in september and never wore it because it never looked right. i wore this all last night and didn't care if it looked bad or awkward. today is already bothering me. mike called me at 9 and even though i wanted to sleep until 11, i got up so we could talk=] got ready and now i'm sitting here until 2 where i have to rush my fucking day so this asshole can sign my project, bring it to the library and pray that i make the 3pm bus. if i don't, i'm gunna be so fucking upset and the rest of the night will be fucked up. i hate this guy. every step of the way he's fucked something up in some way. whether it's never giving positive feedback about my project or never being available to meet with unless its convenient for him. thank god this is the last time i'll ever have to see him. umm yeah, nice outburst. at least this weekend is gunna be great and my outfits are cute. so excited to see chris, bobby and johnnie saturday. oh right, and CONVERGE tomorrow<3. xo.

124

this is how i want to remember the campus. 10 days to go. applied to magazines and internships today. scared out of my fucking mind. xo.

123

wearing a completely new outfit is the start of me trying to be more comfortable with myself. i'm nervous about it but at least i'm comfortable since i'm not in jeans because of the humidity and it really doesn't look bad at all. please let this be a good day. xo.

122

i finished drawing this last night. i think i'm gunna price it this week and see how much it would be just black and shaded. i'm not a materialistic person but my dad came this morning to start the move-out process and so much left my room. thankfully, still have all my clothes and stuff for the next week and a half. wow..12. days. left. of college. is this real life? i can't wait to see everyone on rehearsal and graduation day. even better, can't wait to leave this place forever. today's been a great day so far. really loving this weather and i'm trying to finish everything tonight so i can spend all week outside. hmm..also, converge is thursday! hope mike remembers to buy the tickets tonight or else i guess it'll sell out. xo.

edit: watching athf and talking to so many amazing people right now. VERY HAPPY and haven't felt this way in quite awhile.

121

today started off horribly and kept getting better. my roommate from last year, courtney, came to visit her friends. we got lunch/coffee and talked about everything's that has happened over the past 9 months. i miss her so much. she's one person here that i know i can tell anything to and won't be judged. i wish she didn't graduate early and she'd still be here but it just gives me an excuse to go to the city and visit. after that, walked back to do work..finished that and steve tells me mychildren mybride are playing the donkey on june 7. BEST GRADUATION PRESENT EVER. june 4 is my show, june 7 is mcmb now and the 10-12 is long island fest. most epic, amazing week ever to kick off the summer. now i think i'm just gunna relax and write some articles and suffer through bad tv since there's no movies left for me to see. xo.

120

i loveeeeeeee today. even past all the bullshit that's happened, it's a great day. eva's gotta get out of class soon and then we're going to see the new Nightmare On Elm Street and have dinner. it's gunna be lonely here on campus all alone but it's the last weekend i EVER HAVE TO BE HERE. love that. 2 weeks from today, i hope to have the picture drawn above tattooed on me. or at least some version of it. and without the lettering. i really want my ribs tattooed but i know something will happen and i'll get it somewhere else. bamboozle is this weekend and though i'm not going, i'm only regretting 2 things: not meeting Liz Lee and not seeing Something Corporate. hopefully catherine will call me during the set and i can hear them play.. xo.

edit: i look at pictures of him and think he's the most gorgeous person in the world. everything i could ever want. nothing can compare. but then i look at myself. hugely fat stomach, red all over my face, small breasts, always the wrong hair. what does he see in me at all. after all this time? what attracts him to me? i'll never understand it when he's surrounded by any girl he could ever want, and he's with me. i guess that's why i feel hopelessly left out when i'm not around him. i don't know what's going on and it's like everyone's hiding some secret. like i said before, this is the last weekend i'll have to be by myself. it's going to feel like the longest, most painful 2 days of my life. and i'll doubt every second of those 2 days and wonder what he's doing and what he's thinking about. thinking of how to get away? i'll never know.