31

spent the day with kelly for the first time in awhile. I got everything I've needed since christmas at target and walmart. I also got mike's vday present..hope he loves it, I know he will. Wow, this is our 3rd valentine's day together..so crazy how fast time goes. now we're just watching the Grammy awards and waiting for dinner to be ready. I really don't wanna go back to school tonight. Its been a good weekend seeing everyone. we didn't fight once and it was wonderful just being happy constantly. hopefully more of this happiness is to come. xo.

30

incendiary long sleeve and new plugs<3 everything is perfect right now. don't wanna say anything more until the night is over because i've yet to see mike and i don't want to be too positive. things seem to be really bad on anniversaries where i'm really happy all day and then the night is just horrible. definitely will write more later. xo.

29

drove back home with my dad at 4 and got this sweet shot of the full moon. got home in time to go to the show tonight. I Am Forever, Casari and Rebuild and a couple other bands playing. Jerry, Davis, Chris, Dayne, Arma, Sarah, Paige and everyone else was there. I feel like its a second family when we're all together. All the bands were pretty great even though the sets were cut really short. After, we drove Chris and his 2 friends, Kati and Jenn, home. Now Mike and I are having dinner and watching Lock and Load. Hope I stay tonight and then a long day to go through tomorrow. oh, and I gauged my ears to 9/16 tonight:) i'll probably go up to 5/8 next week once these don't hurt. loveeee life. xo.

28

the scene aesthetic on repeat all day it seems. they express every feeling i've felt today. don't think that's a good thing i was so emotional today but a lot happened.
i wish when a relationship was good, you could just skip to the final result. are you going to stay together or find someone else? it would be a lot better than being jealous and wondering constantly. to know the truth of how someone thinks of you would be awesome. maybe i wouldn't doubt myself almost all the time. or hate how i look. or think i have to need to hate other girls. maybe if i was a 100 pounds lighter. maybe if i had dark hair. bigger plugs in my ears. much bigger tits. i don't know what it takes to feel alright anymore. i'm trying to stay positive, i really am. just got a text that i'm dreading to read. i don't know why i ask these questions that make my heart sink into my stomach. i'm not someone who is afraid of the truth. but sometimes pain overthrows fear...thank you, it was a positive thing i read. i wonder how guys feel when they see their girlfriend enthralled in some guy. is there instant jealousy? or could they care less because they know the girl is so devoted they would never cheat or leave? of course, it's weird, we have the same weaknesses (tattoos, tasteful piercings, thin, dark and long hair). however, in 3 years, there's only been 1 guy i'd leave him for. and that was because how secure i thought i felt when i was around him. nothing happened with him, nothing would ever happen with another guy. but i wonder if a guy's thoughts end there or if they think about what could happen; what the girl looks like naked compared to their girlfriend; what life would be like with this girl. i hate thinking things like this but at least i get it out here. if it were ever brought up in a real conversation i'd just be told i'm jealous, ridiculous or that i need to grow up. sorry, it's how i feel, what i fear and what i think about. if you're reading this, maybe you should start thinking the same things and wonder what you'd really do without me. xo.

"as you escape from your life, this house becomes hollow. and all we can do is just wait. sit here and wait for this train to arrive. i've got my bags packed and i've said my goodbyes. constantly giving into these moments. that just bring me down just bring me close enough to stay around, to stay around"-the scene aesthetic, "alvin maker's greensong."

27

sketchbook timeee. i'm starting to really put time into this. maybe later tonight after senior project meeting and all=[ i really hate that i have to go walking around campus at night after not doing anything all day. maybe it'll be a worthwhile meeting for once.

when other people need or want something anymore, i'm not going to be there. whenever i ask someone to go somewhere or do something with me, their shit is always more important. i actually rather be around people when i need to go shopping or into town or even studying when its nothing serious. i'm there for people when they need to talk and i help them until their problems are solved. but when i need someone to talk to, they're always busy, or sleeping or seem as if they couldn't care. i want to be able to ask for favors and not seem as if i'm bothering them by being alive. i need some genuine people in my life who are good friends because i'm starting to think those kind of people don't exist. it's also exhausting trying to make a livable situation here. i try and talk to them but i just get ignored like i'm not supposed to be there. i want to sit them down and explain what's going on in my life that keeps me to myself but its the same question-would they even care or think it's pathetic? i really don't want to feel this way but its hard when there's no one supportive around. and this whole losing weight thing i'm beginning to give up on. i've gone to the gym, a week straight today, for at least 2 hours a day. i'm eating pretty well..no more than 1,000 calories a day and drinking a lot of water and no snacks. so then why did i gain weight yesterday? i just don't understand. i want something good to happen soon because i really need it. xo.

edit: how can one girl be so mean it makes me cry? i can't live like this for another 4 months, i just can't.

26

overwhelmed and i need to calm down. maybe write later after the gym. xo.
edit: normally, i like taking my own pictures but this is too good not to remember. jt woodruff (hawthorne heights) is playing an acoustic show at vibe lounge in a couple weeks and its on a monday. i tweeted saying how it was unfair they aren't playing on a weekend and he replied. it's little things like this that make my day better=] now if only alex pardee would do the same thing for me, then that'd be awesome. today was stressful, like i stated before. i'm taking the two most intense journalism classes offered here. on the same day, right after the other. awesome. wonder how this is gunna turn out. at least one is based on music and the other can be about art and theater. by the end of the semester i need to write 6 stories, 3 for each class, and i have all my story ideas planned out. and for the first time ever, i have backups planned. even if i don't need them and they do end up happening, it's nice to have as clips for jobs later on.

oh, i've said it before and i'll say it again. girls only cause problems for me. this semester better be different. if you're reading this, remember this. xo.

25

got an e-mail from john wylie (owner of eulogy) today saying i'm doing an amazing job with everything. i needed that. i feel like either people think i'm making this whole thing up or that it won't lead anywhere. its really hard to stay positive about things. i take so much time caring and thinking about my friends..to know what they're up to, who they're dating, if we'll have plans when i come home. but when it comes to them thinking about me, i'm a stranger. i have to explain everything over and over. doesn't anyone take the time to remember things anymore? same thing with mike. we've been together for almost 3 years now. when i mention the first name of one of my friends, why do i have to tag a story to it reminding him who i'm talking about? even more than that, i have to remind my parents about friends or even this job thing. yeah, it's a legit thing. yeah, i'm going to have to move away eventually for it. i'm not just sitting in front of my computer for hours on end so i can avoid you. i'm doing it because i finally got something i've wanted. maybe i should start caring less so i'm less disappointed when someone forgets about me. xo.

edit: i saved putting up a picture until later today because i had a feeling something else good would happen. i read the new AP. every month they're doing a look at a band and follow their progress from the first album until now and their band of the month was new found glory. nfg might be what got me to like what i like now. they're one of the few bands that can put out any music and i'll really love it from beginning to end. i think the only other bands that can do that for me are bayside, vanna, a day to remember and crime in stereo. anyway, while reading it i see john is part of the interview. he's the one who put out "nothing gold can stay." he signed them, gave them their start. it's amazing that i work for him. i have so many questions to ask...too many. i don't wanna come off as a crazy fan girl only doing this to ask stupid shit like how certain people really are or stuff about the industry. i wanna do this so badly, i want to know everything possible. guess we'll see what happens. only good things, i hope. xo.